Down Down

Down Down.

I feel like crap today. I woke up not feeling like going to school for no particular reason but I still did go to school.

Lit tutorial was terrible. I couldn't keep my head up and I kept dozing off while the teacher was going on about something. (It all becomes background noise when I'm starting to doze off) She called on me twice. "Nick!" Aiee. She even proclaimed to the whole class that I have not handed up a single essay and I'll have no CA marks. What's up with that? Don't have to let the WHOLE WORLD know about it. The second time she called me, I thought I sensed a little frustration in there. "Go wash your face!"

I felt the stares of the class drill into my back when I stood up to go to the toilet. Their stares kind of rips me apart. Strips me down. I don't know. I keep freaking out when stuff like this happens. I become paranoid. Thoughts go around my head. Like what people think about me. I think even my CT sees me as hopeless. I swear the whole world's against me.

"Nick... He's such a lazy ass. Never does his work. He's doomed for sure."
"He's hopeless. Never going to make it."

I know people probably won't see me that way but it's hard not to thnk about it. And the fact that mid course is upon us with the first one tomorrow, starts to weigh down on me. Feels like I'm carrying a boulder around my neck. I think I'm really strung up. I'm not sure what I should do. I'm trying to study. Lit seems hopeless. Hearing what's going on in class and not understanding a bit makes it worse. Perhaps I'm better off not in JC. I haven't felt this terrible in my life before. I really hate this feeling. Wish a time hole would appear and and let me get sucked back to the past. My innocent worry free past. SIGHS.

I think I'll never make it to year 2. I'm not being pessimistic or anything. Just that... It really looks bleak. Very slim chances of passing. I thought perhaps my history I might pass. Maths and Chinese too. That's all. I need another H2 to pass. Lit or econs? Tough. Damn parents. is it really THAT bad if I cannot make it to year 2? Is it really THAT bad if my sister ends up in Uni earlier than I do? Is it THAT bad if I wasted one year? Is it THAT bad if i got a diplmoa and not a degree?

IS IT?



I'm going down...