You know, even though it's been about three weeks since it happened, and I thought that I managed to take control of my emotions again, bah who am I kidding. I still can't entirely let go. How could I?
When I actually went to talk to her about it seeking to clear the air of any doubts, my doubts, I went there hoping to understand the point of things. Why? What happened? When? Can we still..? We ended off as friends who had dinner together and caught up with things that happened while I was away. Sure there were moments of laughter, but deep inside, I was clutching my chest ready to retch. Here she was in front of me, just an arms reach away across the table. If I wanted to, I could've simply grabbed her hand. But what months ago would be just a simple act of showing love, would now be nothing but desperation and utter rejection. Sure we talked like any "friends" would talk, but how can I take it like this when I knew we used to be so much more intimate before? I reached our usual spot of departure and with a heavy heart I knew this place would no longer serve any purpose to me. I asked for a hug, and I got one. But was I happy? No. There she was, in my arms, so close so very close. The usual scent from her shampoo in her hair, I could smell it. The petite frame that I was so familiar with I could feel the warmth against my body, but so limp.
So dead.
I was the action, she was the substance but she gave no reaction.
So close, yet so far indeed.
With a "thank you", I spun around and never turned back any more. I wanted to though. I wanted so desperately to turn back around and see her rushing down the stairs, running towards me with tears streaming down her face, with the look in her face that told me that everything she said was a big god damn lie and she wanted me back in her life again.
I was only lying to myself. If she ever turned to look at me from the overhead bridge, I would have been more than contented already. I called my friends, my family to talk about it on the way back. I told them I was fine, yeah it ended without any shouting or screaming or crying or begging so I guess that's fine right? I was stoic all the way home until I hit the bed and that was when it all started to sink in.
And I completely broke down. Like I have never done before...
I cried, I called my sister and I still cried after that. I became "twictchy" when it started to go dark outside. I didn't want to close my eyes, I didn't want to go to bed, I didn't want to lie down in the darkness and in the silence all by myself. I didn't want to remember. It was the most horrible time of my life.
Almost a month later, I have calmed down enough to talk about it. And just a week ago, I wrote to her. Hoping that I could provide some closure, mostly for myself though cause she seemed like she is coping well. I talked about how I felt but most importantly despite all the hurt, what it had taught me. However, I looked at it again a week after I wrote that and I realised that from my tone, I still haven't let go of it completely yet. Whenever I see her status updates, my brain goes haywire and I start thinking of the most far-fetched things. Honestly, I still think about her throughout the day.
Try as I might, I don't think I can ever push this down down into somewhere dark in the back of my mind. Some people go through death's door and suddenly they walk back into life as a changed person. Others go through similar traumatic experience and their perspectives are changed. For me, I believe this has impacted me in some way or another. It set me thinking for long long periods of time. Ultimately, this has been the question I've been asking myself the most in the end.
Who am I?
Like really, have you ever thought about it? Do you REALLY know who you are? What you want to be? I'm not trying to be philosophical here nor am I delving into a spectacular journey of self-discovery. I just want to get to know myself better. I feel like up until this point of my life, I have not really known who I am. There are many a times when say, a friend is met with distress, I lend my ear as well as my voice (though significantly lesser), even though I don't entirely understand what he/she is going through for I myself have not been through it before but somewhere another friend was in my shoes and he/she was able to say something, I would recycle whatever my friend said before unto my distressed friend. (Are you still following?) Basically I would never really said something that I meant, but rather because something similar happened before and I would just recycle that.
The thing is, I feel like I've been trying to be someone who I'm not. If I see someone who I admire, I always try to be like them. When stuck in a situation, I will always think to myself what or how that person would respond. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to follow the footsteps of someone you admire, but I really feel like I'm just pretending to be like them. It's still not me.
I know what I am, from what people and friends and teachers say about me, but I really want to know first hand, who I really am. I want to find out for myself what I'm capable of, the things that I can achieve, and just be, well... Myself.
And when I do or when I believe that I'm on the right track to being ME, I think I'll be able to understand finally why she did what she did and be at peace with myself for once about it. Until then, I have to be brave.
